The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. So why do so many women find themselves exhausted, overwhelmed, and counting down the days until they're over?
Between the family gatherings, holiday shopping, decorating, cooking, school events, work responsibilities, travel plans, and the seemingly endless list of things that need to get done, it's easy to find yourself caught up in the holiday hustle.
And if you're a woman in midlife, you may be navigating all of this while also managing changes in your energy, sleep, mood, hormones, and stress tolerance.
Here's something worth considering: Maybe the problem isn't that you need to get better at managing the holidays. Maybe it's that you're trying to manage them according to expectations that no longer serve you.
It's not your mama's holidays. And it doesn't have to be.
It's Not Your Mama's Holidays
Think about how the holidays looked when you were growing up. Maybe your mother was the one who got up before everyone else, spent hours in the kitchen, prepared an elaborate meal, decorated every corner of the house, remembered every gift, and made sure everyone else had a wonderful experience.
Maybe that's what you learned the holidays were supposed to look like.
But somewhere along the way, many women inherited the expectation that creating a meaningful holiday means doing everything themselves.
Let's challenge that.
You don't have to get up at 5 a.m. to prepare a homemade meal if you don't want to. You don't have to host every gathering. You don't have to make seven different side dishes because that's what your family has always done. You don't have to recreate the holidays of your childhood to give your children meaningful memories.
You can order the food. Ask everyone to bring something. Simplify the menu. Skip the decorations that feel like another chore. Let someone else host.
You can keep the traditions that bring you joy and let go of the ones that feel like obligations.
Tradition should be something you choose, not something you're required to maintain at the expense of your well-being.
And here's the important part: Doing things differently doesn't mean you love your family any less. It may actually mean you're creating more space to enjoy them.
Zoom Out: What Really Matters in This Moment?
When we're overwhelmed, our attention tends to narrow.
We become consumed by the details: The house isn't clean enough. The food isn't ready. We're running late. Someone hasn't helped. There's still a gift to buy.
Our brains become focused on the next task, the next problem, and the next thing that needs our attention.
When this happens, try zooming out.
Imagine stepping back from the moment and looking at the bigger picture.
Instead of focusing on the dishes piling up in the sink, notice your family gathered around the table.
Instead of worrying about whether the house is perfectly decorated, notice the laughter coming from the living room.
Instead of getting caught up in making everything look right, ask yourself what would make this experience feel right.
You might ask yourself:
Is this something that will matter tomorrow?
Am I focusing on the experience or the appearance of the experience?
What is actually important to me right now?
What would happen if I let this go?
Zooming out doesn't mean ignoring responsibilities or pretending everything is wonderful. It means intentionally shifting your perspective so that the small details don't consume the moments you actually want to enjoy.
Sometimes the most meaningful holiday moments happen when we stop trying so hard to create them.
Zoom Ahead: What Do You Want to Remember?
Here's another perspective shift I love.
Instead of looking at everything you need to accomplish before the holidays, imagine yourself a few weeks or even a few months from now, looking back.
What do you want to remember?
Do you want to remember spending hours preparing the perfect meal? Or sitting around the table laughing with the people you love?
Do you want to remember having a perfectly decorated home? Or taking a spontaneous walk with your family to look at holiday lights?
Do you want to remember how much you accomplished? Or how you felt?
Imagine looking back at the holidays and identifying three things you hope will stand out.
Maybe it's:
Having a relaxed morning with your family.
Making time for a favorite holiday tradition.
Laughing, playing games, and being present with the people you love.
Getting outside for a walk or spending time moving your body.
Having a little time to yourself without feeling guilty.
Now consider this: Are the things you're currently spending your time and energy on helping you create those memories?
If not, something may need to change.
This is a powerful way to make decisions. Rather than letting your to-do list dictate your priorities, let the experience you want to remember guide your choices.
Give Yourself Permission to Rest
Let's talk about something that can feel surprisingly uncomfortable for women: resting.
For many women, rest comes with conditions. We can rest after the house is clean, after the shopping is done, after everyone has been taken care of, and after we've checked off everything on our list.
But what if the list never ends?
What if rest isn't something you earn after exhausting yourself? What if it's something you build into your life because you're a human being with finite energy and capacity?
This becomes especially important during perimenopause and midlife. Changes in hormones, sleep, stress sensitivity, and recovery can make it harder to operate at the same pace you may have maintained for years.
That doesn't mean you're less capable. It may mean you need to be more intentional about how you use your energy.
And the holidays are a perfect time to practice.
Give yourself permission to:
Sit down while everyone else is still moving around.
Take a break from the festivities.
Go to bed instead of staying up to finish everything.
Skip an event because you need a quieter evening.
Take a walk by yourself.
Let someone else handle dinner.
Enjoy a few minutes of doing absolutely nothing.
Rest isn't a reward for productivity. It's part of how we sustain ourselves.
And sometimes the best thing you can bring to a holiday gathering is a version of yourself who isn't completely depleted.
Give Yourself Permission to Change Your Mind
We often make holiday commitments weeks or months in advance. We agree to host, attend, cook, travel, volunteer, or participate in activities because at the time, it seems like a good idea.
But here's something we don't talk about enough:
You're allowed to change your mind.
Just because you said yes in October doesn't mean you can't reassess in December.
Just because you've always hosted doesn't mean you have to host this year.
Just because you planned to attend every gathering doesn't mean you have to follow through if your energy, circumstances, or priorities have changed.
You can say:
"I've decided to simplify things this year."
"I won't be able to make it after all."
"I'd love to come, but I can only stay for an hour."
"I'm going to let someone else host this year."
"I've realized I need a quieter holiday season."
Changing your mind doesn't make you unreliable, selfish, or disappointing. It means you're responding to your current needs rather than blindly following an old commitment.
And if saying no feels uncomfortable, remember that discomfort doesn't automatically mean you're making the wrong decision.
Sometimes it simply means you're doing something differently.
Don't Forget to Make Room for Play
The holidays can become so focused on responsibilities that we forget to have fun.
We spend so much time creating experiences for everyone else that we don't always participate in them ourselves.
What if you approached this holiday season with a little more playfulness?
Build a snowman. Go look at holiday lights. Put on music and dance in the kitchen. Play a ridiculous family game. Take a walk somewhere new. Make cookies without worrying about how they turn out.
Not everything needs to be productive, purposeful, or perfectly executed.
Sometimes doing something simply because it's enjoyable is enough.
And that matters. Play, laughter, curiosity, and connection can help us step outside the constant demands of daily life and experience something different.
You don't have to schedule every moment or turn fun into another item on your to-do list. Just leave a little room for it.
A Different Kind of Holiday Checklist
This year, instead of focusing exclusively on everything you need to do, consider a different kind of checklist.
Ask yourself:
What can I let go of? Identify one or two expectations or traditions that no longer serve you.
What can I simplify? Look for ways to make the holidays easier rather than more elaborate.
Where can I ask for help? Stop assuming you have to be the person who makes everything happen.
Where can I build in rest? Schedule time to recharge before you reach the point of exhaustion.
What do I want to remember? Let those experiences guide how you spend your time and energy.
Where can I make room for fun? Choose something that brings you joy without turning it into another responsibility.
You don't need to overhaul your entire holiday season. Even one small change can make a difference.
The Holidays Don't Have to Be Another Test of Your Capacity
If there's one thing I'd like women to take away this holiday season, it's this:
You don't have to prove how much you can handle.
You don't have to be the person who remembers everything, organizes everything, cooks everything, and makes sure everyone else is happy.
You don't have to sacrifice your sleep, your health, your peace, or your enjoyment to create a meaningful holiday for the people you love.
You get to be part of the holiday, too.
So zoom out when the details start to overwhelm you. Zoom ahead and think about what you want to remember. Give yourself permission to rest, to say no, to change your mind, and to do things differently.
Keep the traditions that matter. Release the ones that don't.
And remember, it's not your mama's holidays.
You get to decide what this season looks like. And you deserve to enjoy it, too.
